Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
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Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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