Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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