Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do herpes really smell.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
