you would pick up someone in the library
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
