the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
