It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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