i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
