So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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