I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
