Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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