She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
