Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
