Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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