I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
