Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
