i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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