Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
