OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
where are my eyebrows?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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