I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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