I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
