girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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