i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
