Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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