we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I did not marry a roomba.
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