he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
