That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
