fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
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Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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