you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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