I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
