and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
not ubering you a puppy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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