im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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