just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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