Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
