Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
