Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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