At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
