I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
