I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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