I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
