And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
