when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
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