Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
