why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
