why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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