my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
