Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
