I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
