is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
