I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
