So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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