The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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