Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
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Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE