I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to make out with him forever
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
