I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
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don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
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For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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