i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
