Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
