wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
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