god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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